First of all, I would like to wish Judge Sunshiney Ass a Happy Birthday. Since I am the Judge himself, this is somewhat of a biased well-wishing, but somebody has to do it. Below you'll find a recount of the First Annual Judge Sunshiney Ass Run.Who Forgot Jim's Personal Invite?
As Laurie and I pulled into the winding driveway leading up to the Shultz estate, we made note of the fact that nobody else was there. I expected the pony handlers would at least be around, what kind of birthday party lets invitees ride ponies willy nilly? Being the good, conscientious, caring friends we are, we grabbed Jim's newspaper from the bottom of his lengthy driveway and placed it with care in the rain in front of his porch. Eventually Nogle showed up, whereupon Jim showed his shining face at the door (this will be discussed in detail below). A quick phone call to Theresa confirmed that she was in fact coming, but a little late.
Apparently Jim didn't know about the run because he didn't receive a personal handwritten letter of invitation. Below is a copy of the e-mail that was sent, so there's no excuse for not knowing all of the details; it's short and sweet.Sunday, Oct. 1st. 7:30 a.m. Meet at 60 Williamstown Rd, Lanesboro. Group run Mt. Prospect, Williamstown. Celebrate the birthday of the Honorable Todd W. Howell, aka "The Judge". Breakfast afterward at Bob's Country Kitchen. Ssshhhh, don't tell Todd. It's a surprise!
Somehow Jim Network Administrator for the Pittsfield School System Shultz was unsure how to read this e-mail and didn't know about it.Must be Laundry Day
When Jim finally looked out his door to see what the commotion was all about, he stood there in his droopy tighty-whities and calf-height "athletic" socks, his belly sagging over the tired waistband of his BVDs. "Hey, what are you guys doing here?" he asked as he "rearranged the furniture". "Uh, we're here for the run. Theresa's going to be here in a minute, please for the love of God go change." Looking baffled, he did as instructed and suited up for the run.Just Add Soapbox
Shortly into the run, we had to make a quarter-mile pitstop for a certain someone to use the little girls' room. Since we were in the woods, any spot would have been the same, but Bad Jim apparently had an agenda so we ran the extra distance to "the bathroom".
We were stopped at a scenic overlook offering a nice view of some ritzy homes, which was nice, and Bad Jim started in on how we were going to play a game where we each had to pick which house would be ours without knowing what the rest of the houses looked like. Already familiar with the houses, this one couldn't possibly be baised towards Jim. Or could it?
"Did you say president?", Bad Jim asked me. "Huh? Wha? I wasn't even talking." I replied. "Oh, I thought you said something about the president." Jim continued. "Well, speaking of the president..." he babbled on talking about something he heard on the news. Apparently the whole point for stopping at that scenic lookout was so that he'd have a picturesque background for his unpatriotic story.Eastern White Sea Donkey
Our next rest area brought us to a large tree in the middle of a clearing, sort of a natural roundabout for the trails in the woods. Jim Trebek asked if any of us knew the name of the tree. "This tree's initials are EWC." He was looking for the name of that type of tree, not it's given name so my response of Steve was wrong. Tweety guessed the first part of its name, Eastern White but was at a loss for the last word. Mr. Trebek repeatedly mouthed the words "SEA DONKEY" in an effort to get us to guess the last word. As it turned out, the word he was really mouthing was cedar, but by overemphasizing it, it just looked like sea donkey. I'd like to point out that Bad Jim doesn't normally quiz us on our knowledge of all things floral, I think he knew about this one particular tree and wanted to flex his arborial muscles.Running in the Nude
While descending a hill, Nancy, Bad Jim and I were all running in locked step. I made military marching sounds (tchss tchss tchss) and commented on how soothing it was to run in unison. After a 45 minute rant about running alone in wool pants, then stripping nude, Bad Jim reached the end of his story.
Somehow remembering the last thing mentioned before the conversation returned to The Unabridged Jim Shultz Audio Biography, I asked what that had to do with running in unison. "What, I thought you said nude?" Once again, I was not talking about running in the nude. And why would I have made marching noises if I was? And what was there about running through the woods with four other people that would have reminded me of running nude? And when the hell would I have run anywhere in the nude?
It's all about Jim.Lawnmower Man
During one of his longwinded stories about losing his lawn mowing virginity, Jim mentioned that it was one of his fondest childhood memories. His father even took him to McDonald's afterwards for a chocolate shake. Jumping all over this sentimental moment of weakness, we obviously hit a nerve. As we were stretching our legs at the van, Bad Jim lept in and sped off, leaving us standing there in the oncoming storm.
We knew it would be some time before he finished crying and his eyes lost their puffiness, so we started running back down route 7. Miles later, the grey minivan returned and only Nancy was allowed back in. A few rounds of "let them catch up then pull away" later and the rest of us were allowed to re-enter the van. Theresa figured we would all have to answer questions about the details Jim's life to be allowed back into the van (akin to the riddles asked when crossing a troll's bridge), but Pouty McPout Face just slowed to a crawl and let us in.The Bill is in the Mail
After the run, Jim "I have an alterior motive" Shultz gracefully shared his home with us so that we could change into dry clothes. This was really just a scheme to not have to go out to breakfast, as he'd rather sit at home and quietly watch his wife study. This wasn't any regular breakfast either, it was Birthday Breakfast. There were ponies, clowns, balloon animals and the coffee flowed like wine. Don't worry Jim, your share of the bill was covered by the lovely ladies (thanks for breakfast, ladies) and you owe them each $5.13.
If anyone has detected an underlying theme to this Run Report, that it's been all about Jim. The reason for this is not that life in general is all about Jim, but rather that the man barely pauses to inhale let alone allow anyone else to talk. I think Theresa finally gave up trying to tell her harrowing story about the bus ride to the XC meet yesterday. It sounded horrible, but every time she started to tell it again, she was quickly shut down. Laurie got in all of ten words about her budding assistant coaching career before Captain Blabs cut her off, calling her a wuss. Did you want to hear JSA's birthday story? Too bad, Jim's got something to say about God only knows what.
And that's the end of that.
-Judge Sunshiney Ass
Sunday, October 01, 2006
The Judge's Birthday Run
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